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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.