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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."