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Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?