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Does the Food Network deliver?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.