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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.