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"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
I need more people like me in my life
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.