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Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
exercise........you mean extra fries
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome