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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han