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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.