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One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "