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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.