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I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?