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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."