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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.