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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me