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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.