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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.