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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Iām a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.