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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here