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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!