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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.