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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.