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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"