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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!