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How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.