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A wise man once said nothing.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.