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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Iād steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!