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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
For Christmas I just want summer...
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)