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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.