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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.