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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.