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I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?