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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.