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There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I laugh in the face of normal.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?