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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?