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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.