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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.