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That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?