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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.