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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-