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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.