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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.