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There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?