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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Can you find the the mistake? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Click Funny if you did..
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."