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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
I never finish anyth...............
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.