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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.