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I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Don’t jump to confusions.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.