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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.