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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.