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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?