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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.