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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Velcro is a ripoff
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!