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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...