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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
I am used but in good condition.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.