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Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Iām considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?