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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!