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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?