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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.