Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Will be drunk until further notice.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Iām amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.