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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.