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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."