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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.