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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
For those who do not know what ADHD can do to a person, let me expla.....oooh look i got a text message.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.