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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I wish I had a friend like me
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.