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I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?