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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.