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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars