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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.