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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.